Starting to Listen

This week, the internet was in uproar over an article where a now-adult woman accused a church leader of grooming and molestation when she was only 14 years old. She shared her experience after reading the testimony of one of his other victims and realized that their stories were eerily similar. That’s one thing about groomers — they tend to have a pattern. Another thing about them? They rarely have only one victim.

Two victims, unknown to one another, coming forward with nearly identical stories and witnesses of the man’s behavior toward them SHOULD be enough to disqualify him from any ministry leadership position. After all, he was not subtle. According to Tammy Woods, he would visit her at school, hanging out at her locker and leaving her gifts. Those who watched his behavior thought it odd but gave him a pass BECAUSE he was a youth minister. He used his influence and title as tools to groom young teen girls into accepting his inappropriate advances.

Outwardly, he was viewed as a church leader who cared and who went the extra mile to show the kids from his church that they were loved and valuable in the eyes of God. In private, he manipulated little girls into going against their own consciousness and convictions in order to please him as a prophet and a “Man of God.”

It took her until adulthood for Tammy Woods to realize exactly how she was manipulated by him, and when that understanding came, she spoke up. https://julieroys.com/breaking-woman-claims-mike-bickle-sexually-abused-her-when-she-was-14/

And, of course, that triggered the usual response by those who are willfully ignorant about the issues of abuse, “Why didn’t she speak up sooner?” Usually, that phrase is accompanied by the observation that “if it bothered her so much, she would have mentioned it when it happened” or “she’s putting all the blame on him without taking any responsibility for her own actions.”

As a novelist who researches spiritual abuse almost daily, this knee-jerk reaction sickens me.

First of all, the average age of someone coming forward after experiencing childhood sexual assault is 52. The statute of limitations for CSA does not reflect the traumatic impact of the abuse on the victims, so by the time they can finally step forward to speak about the crime committed against them, it is usually too late for them to obtain legal justice. Abuse victim advocates are working to get those statutes of limitations for CSA abolished in all 50 states.

Secondly, a person being manipulated to act against their own convictions by their spiritual leader is often confused and mentally fatigued. Disassociation becomes part of their lives. Many teen victims glom onto whatever “normal” behaviors they can (going to church, talking to friends, attending events with their youth group) in order to mentally survive the abuse.

Thirdly, assuming that a teen is in a “relationship” with an adult is never appropriate. If an adult is referring to a teen as their “girlfriend/boyfriend,” that adult must be confronted immediately (even if nothing has happened). The Preacher Boys Podcast recently released an interview with Sadie Carpenter, who shared her experiences with a man well-respected within her church’s circles. He was in his 80s and would jokingly say that she (as a preteen) was his girlfriend. It was laughed off by the adults in their circles, but he was writing her letters and sending her gifts, and at one point, when he took her family out to dinner, he began calling those dinner dates and requesting that she dress in ways that pleased him. At exactly what point was this tween girl “responsible” for this creepy old man’s inappropriate attention toward her? At what point does the man who is actively pursuing her take the blame for HIS actions?

https://youtu.be/9pnWbFKyB3g?si=LD3toZT3z_e_-hLm

Even when a young victim comes forward within the statute of limitations, it doesn’t mean that people will listen. Instead, they will be instructed to remain quiet, will be called names, and will be told that they need to forgive and forget. And if a victim doesn’t go quiet?  In some instances, people will actively campaign against them.

A recent sermon made the rounds where a pastor completely reframed a victim’s experience to make it look like she was the manipulator. He did this by claiming to “know the truth” but then lying outright to his congregation (and outs himself as sympathetic to rapists in the process).

According to him, the victim was molested, the police investigated, found no evidence, and her molester moved to a different state. But then, he called her and asked her to come help his wife, who had just given birth. At this point, the pastor pointed out that IF she’d been molested, there was no way she would go, but the victim willingly went to him. She then accused the man of raping her while she lived in his home. https://x.com/BadSermons/status/1734003814275948816?s=20

Now for the truth. The victim was molested, but because her attacker was her teacher and a respected youth leader, he manipulated her into silence. He was asked to resign due to “inappropriate behavior” with another girl. He was given a letter of recommendation by church leaders and “encouraged” to move out of state.

The victim never told her mother or church leaders what he’d done to her, so when the man called her mother and asked if she could send her daughter to his new home to help his wife (who had just given birth), the mom was proud that her daughter was so highly thought of and responsible enough to be of help. She gladly sent her daughter to live with the family that she assumed was safe. The victim was repeatedly raped during that period. It wasn’t until her older sister came forward to tell their mother that SHE had been raped by the same man that anyone knew the victim was in danger.

As soon as the truth was revealed, the victim’s mother went with her to tell the church leadership what had happened. They instructed her to remain quiet and to forgive the man for his “mistakes.” That wasn’t a good enough response for the mother, so she and her daughter went to the police and filed a report. The district attorney believed that of the two cases, the out-of-state rape would get him more time, so he didn’t prosecute her molestation. The man was convicted for rape but served only two years of his five year prison sentence.

When the victim, Ruthy Heiler, was an adult and facing her attacker’s release from prison, she approached the DA about the original charges of molestation. The DA reopened the case, and the man was convicted. His sentencing reflected how he used his position of authority to manipulate and victimize her. He ended up being sentenced to more time for the molestation than he did for the rape.

It’s not at all the same story that was told from the pulpit, is it?

You can watch Ruthie’s story for yourself on MAX in the documentary Let Us Prey: A Ministry of Scandals. https://www.max.com/shows/let-us-prey-a-ministry-of-scandals/ca01f963-90fe-4028-9d3c-deb127d48f34

The thing is, the pastor who lied so openly from the pulpit claimed to have watched the documentary featuring the victim’s story. He saw the pictures of this girl at the age when she was molested and later raped. He witnessed the trauma the victim experienced even years later. He saw the victim as a grown woman standing up in a court of law to read her impact statement at her molester’s sentencing.

So why would a pastor lie? Why would church leaders and members assume that young teens would lie about molestation and rape? The excuse I’m familiar with is the desire to “defend the ministry.” Too many church organizations have become backslidden businesses that care more about protecting the criminals in their leadership rather than supporting and aiding their victims. Even if members of their congregations (or even of their leadership) protest, they are overwhelmed with pressure to remain silent. They may try to change things from the inside, but they know that their community, family ties, and careers are at risk.

In the case that harmed the ministry I was involved in, a man on the run from a bench warrant joined our church. The church leaders had no idea the man was wanted and were excited to have him join the congregation since he’d come so highly recommended by several leaders in other churches of our circle. The man eventually pled guilty to molestation, and our church leadership decided that he had already “paid his debt” to society and could remain at our church under their supervision. I watched that man consistently wrangle his way into leadership positions despite having disqualified himself from ministry. Because he’d gone through his probation, the employees who knew about his background (myself included) were told we had no right to object to his presence at our church. After all, the leadership was “keeping an eye on him.” But leadership was also willfully ignorant of how molesters work — despite our protests and pleas that they study the methods pedophiles use to groom not only their victims but everyone around them.

After years of conversations, emails, texts, and letters, my response to not being heard was to quit my job and start writing novels. My subject of choice is church/spiritual/religious abuse and its long-term effects on the victims. My characters deal with trauma and triggers as they attempt to find normalcy in life away from predatory people and organizations. It’s my way of speaking out. https://thelitlady733988438.wordpress.com/

But something else happened this week. After Tammy Woods shared her story, dozens of women began sharing pictures of themselves when THEY were 14. Why? To disabuse the oft-told lie that the victim was somehow “mature for her age” and “looked like an adult.” Adult women presented pictures of themselves at their most vulnerable age when they followed boybands, dealt with pain from their braces, and fought with jammed school lockers. They posted their pictures with hashtags reading #IStandWithJaneDoe and #IStandWithTammyWoods. Women are speaking out, demanding justice, and insisting victims be acknowledged and supported.

When former victims step forward to expose their abusers, it breaks the silence they worked so hard to maintain. As Kathy Durbin said at the end of Let Us Prey, ”It’s almost like every time you speak out, you’re grabbing the hand of someone who needs to come forward.”

That’s what happened when Tammy Woods began to support Jane Doe. As of this morning, a third woman has come forward. She stated that Wood’s story was too similar to hers to be a coincidence. https://julieroys.com/third-woman-says-mike-bickle-groomed-sexually-abused-her-beginning-at-age-15/

Things are changing, but it won’t be easy. Some religious leaders are still pushing the idea that the molesters and rapists in their organizations are maligned “Men of God” who were tempted and “made a mistake.” Their excuses and explanations aren’t as effective as they once were. People are finally starting to listen.